Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
