I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
