woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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