just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
