It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
