Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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