not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
