I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
