you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
