What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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