I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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