By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
