I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
did i walk over a car last night?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
