Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You ruined the universe
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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