My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
