Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
