I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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