Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
where are you?
Hypothermia
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
