We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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