I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
