fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
