your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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