I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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