i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize