Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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