i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
