i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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