I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
