just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
