Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize