just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize