i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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