what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
