does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
