he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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