he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
