girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
