420 ftw
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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