There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
