My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
