If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize