I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
two words: eviction party
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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