More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize