you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
