Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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