there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
