When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
