i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
