I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
