Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize