Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
