More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
vagina is talking i cant
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
