I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
