Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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