Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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