I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
