her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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