I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He better not be in your backpack
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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