my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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