just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I fill condoms, not promises.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
