just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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