I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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