I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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