I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
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