It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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