well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
