The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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