I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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