is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize