dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She's the barista slut.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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