I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
