For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
